Have you ever be aware of something, without truly having a complete understanding of it?
I am aware of the fact that I don't like having my picture taken. I know this, it's not a surprise to me. Yet this week, I wanted to find a few family photographs to add to a project I'm working on. I had hundreds of client images saved to a folder, just for this project, that part was easy. But I spent over 3 hours digging through personal images. I dug and dug, I have only a handful of photographs of jason with the kids, and less than 3 of me.
This makes me so sad, here I take all these photographs of clients, I have a ton of them, and don't even have anything decent to add of my own family. It made me want to cry. I seriously feel like I have failed. I'm jealous of my clients, I really am. I can do a good job capturing my FAMILY, not just the kids, I have thousands of individual shots of each child. But, I don't do it. I mean, I know I don't like being on the other side of the lens, I'm aware of it, but digging through thousands of pics, it hit me like a brick wall going 80 mph.
Jason doesn't mind being in front of the camera, so why don't we do it more? Why can't I learn to hand off the camera to him, so that he can capture me with the kids sometimes too. I swear looking at our family pics, you wouldn't know I'm alive. I'm missing. And it makes me so sad. I think about what if something happened to me tomorrow, my children would be left with no images capturing how much I love them, no photographs of them with their mother.
That thought haunts me.
My husband and children are my life, my love, and photography is what I love to do. Why would I make the decision to deprive my own family of what I capture for so many others? I don't like being on the other side of the camera, but I don't like being missing from the captured moments even more. I don't like the way I look, I need to loose more weight, I can't stand my hair, the list of excuses goes on and on, but you know what? When my kids look at pictures of us together, they won't care, they will see their mom and how much she loves them. I want them to see how happy I am when I'm with them. I want simple moments captured, just doing what we do, spending time together, dancing, playing, being a family.
So today is the day, I'm making the choice to change it. I'm gonna make it right, for them, and for myself. I think actually felt a twinge of pain as I handed Jason the camera, but I did it. And for it being only the second time he's played with the 5D, and first time using the speedlight, I think je did a pretty darn good job.
So, after almost a year of posts, here I am, in my blog debut :)
Here is my challenge to each of you...and I know there are a bunch of you! I had 700 hits in just one day yesterday so that means you too lurkers!!
Get in front of the camera with your children, give them the gift of a tangible memory they can hold in their hands, something simple, something easy. And I would love it if you would share your images with me!! Feel free to post back here with a link - I would love to see of you with your children.
The above photographs are not perfect, but they are US, and that is what matters to me. I hope Ty and Taryn look at these one day and see the happiness I experience when I'm with them.